I am a fugitive. On the run from men. Fleeing bad relationships, anyone who makes me cry. Escaping the pattern of loving too hard, losing too much, repeat. I don't blame (entirely) all the men who've entered my life, lied, and left. I'm responsible for the inner radar that scans for and pinpoints that ever unavailable target. Japan/Bali/Korea represent a lot of things, not the least of them - freedom from that nasty cycle.

In keeping with the over-drawn fugitive metaphor, Shikoku Island was one of the places I went to hide out. After an inundation of testosterone in Kyoto (the only non-male I hung out with was a lesbian), I expected peace, solitude, and quiet reflection in one of Japan's most remote regions. I got that - for the first night. After pulling a nearly all-nighter on the final evening in Kyoto, I arrived at the Happy Raft guesthouse in Shikoku's Oboke gorge to discover I was its single occupant. I cooked myself a meal, watched Eminem 'act' in
8 Mile (one of the only English DVDs), and then pulled the covers over my head for 10 hours of uninterrupted, untortured rest. It was the most peaceful sleep I've had in three years.
But it seems men sense the detached woman. The mysterious aloofness. The completeness of independence. They too have inner radars, scanning for that challenge.
My next two days in Shikoku were filled with all men, all the time, almost to comedic effect. As the sole whitewater rafting customer, I had three male guides plus one in a kayak all to myself. Later that night - as I expected another blissfully lonely evening - all four of those Happy Raft guides showed up at the guesthouse and brought with them six other male river rafters from the Tokyo area. Kiwis, Aussies, Japanese. A 10 to 1 ratio. The following night a group of 20 English teachers flooded the guesthouse - many of them men, many eager to meet the random female solo traveller.
Let me say this: most of these men had no interest in me at all. Most were merely curious what brought me to Shikoku - of all places - alone. But that's not the point. The point is the sheer volume of masculinity stampeding me on this journey, and with it, the extremes of the male species. Charming accents/crude toughness. Sweet shyness/confounding recklessness. Gallant accomodation/arrogant posturing.
There's Mar - the rafting guide with dreadlocks, a fake wooden tooth, kind smile and almost zero capacity for English who struggled to share his crush on me, until said fake tooth dropped from his mouth and clanked on the floor.
There's Yosh - the hard-talking Japanese rafter/record producer whose English accent is equal parts San Diego surfer, New Zealand brute. He's lived in both places. After dropping the f-bomb every other word and insulting me a few times, tells me he thinks I'm beautiful.
There's Phil from Chicago, the English teacher - age 24 - with a degree in International Politics and Economics from Carroll University in Wisconsin, who's unsure what direction he wants to pursue in life, but is politely willing to make conversation with the solo traveler.
There's Rob - the former English teacher turned rafting guide newbie who I spent hours chatting with about his home in Australia . He's engaged to a Japanese girl, and turns out he proposed to her at the same hotel I stayed at in Guam.
Then there's Darren Dyke. Darren Dyke is precisely the specimen I hope would never find me again. British born but New Zealand raised, Darren Dyke started his own English teaching company with his Japanese wife here in Japan. Darren Dyke is the kind of guy who likes to tell you how important he is; how much money he makes; how much more he knows than you about life and success. And he does it with that deceitfully gallant-sounding British accent. Darren Dyke was spending a lot of time talking to me. It was mostly harmless conversation, even though I still sensed a weird vibe from him. After a couple hours of his undivided attention, I broke free for the group gathered around the fire pit and shortly after retreated to my bedroom.
I had a cozy double bed in a room all to myself, while the rest of the 20 English teachers had to divide up limited futon space and bunkbeds. I'd been at the guesthouse for two nights prior to their arrival, and I wasn't about to give up my satisfactory accomodations. But I did have to endure a long evening of partying - the wrestling match that slammed into my wall, the marijuana smoke wafting into my room, Darren Dyke's stoned voice waxing poetic about inane topics. The only fortunate thing was the contact high from the weed that probably helped me return to sleep.
That was until 5:30am. That's when Darren Dyke made a sudden appearance at my bedside, imploring me for room in my bed.
I've spent years trying to tone down any of my harsh edges - anything that could make people call me a bitch - anything that comes off as too tough or unfeminine. But this was no place for that version of me. I yelled at him for waking me, then loudly rejected his multiple pleas for room next to me or at the foot of the bed. He whined that his futon had been taken. Then he took up residence on the floor, until I tossed him out entirely because he wouldn't stop talking.
"Get the fuck out of my room. Get the fuck out. You've kept me up all night. I've had it with you. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."
You should know that earlier in the evening he told a story about how he once did cocaine with a friend on Christmas Eve, stayed up all night, and after opening presents in the morning, he sent his two kids for a walk, so he could screw the hell out of his wife. So pardon me, if as a vulnerable woman alone, I'm not about to let this married stranger shack up in my room.
It made perfect sense to me, even if the rest of his crew didn't appreciate my tactics. In the morning, I heard the whispering from the catty girls, "did you hear what happened to Darren?" Then I heard the loud, overt attempts to make me feel bad, "Darren, it was soooo cozy sleeping next to you last night. I was totally comfortable."
I packed up my things, fortunate to be leaving for Hiroshima in the next few hours. And then I confronted the group in the kitchen, defending myself against the assumption I should sleep next to a man I barely know.
I'm not sure anyone understood my point. They were probably mostly annoyed that I had a big room all to myself, and I didn't share. Whatever the case, there was something so liberating about yelling at Darren Dyke. About defending myself in front of him and his friends, even as he called me a bitch. About saying 'fuck off' for being a thoughtless, careless, inconsiderate man.
Maybe Darren Dyke doesn't deserve the fullness of my wrath. Maybe it's pent up anger directed at all the men who've hurt me, who I've never confronted with the vehemence buried deep inside. But this stands as a public warning to men everywhere - signficant or insignificant. I've had it. I'm not taking your shit. And you can call me a bitch, if you want. I don't care anymore. It's time for the anger phase, that necessary phase I've been trying avoid.
Here it is - in full force. Let me run away in peace... or go to hell.